August 23, 2003...

So this is the day that I always dread. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon...the clouds were white and puffy...the days prior it was so hot...90 almost every day...this day it was finally a cool day...maybe 70 degrees the sun was shining and there was a nice breeze. The day prior to this day, we had just found out that our baby was dieing...his heart beat was fading and there was nothing we could do about it...except pray. And that is what we did. So on that morning, Jeff went to work to start his new position withe the post office and I was waiting for a client to come to the house.

I had never been busier in my mortgage carrier...it was 2003...a lifetime ago. I was in the middle of a miscarriage so I thought...I had been having contractions all night and morning...once my clients left, they really started to come on strong...I decided to lay down, figuring it would pass...I then felt a pop in my belly...like a balloon...then the next thing I knew...I was delivering my son...I was home alone...there was blood everywhere. The next 8 hours would be the worst of my life. I began to hemmerige (sp) It was very scary. Thank god for my parents and a wonderful Dr. that saved me. From that point forward, I knew somewhere in my heart that I would survive this and be a mother one day...I always knew that I would adopt. Jeff came to the hospital and we soon left to go home to a quite and empty house. As we were driving home, I looked at him and said...his name is Joseph. And that was all that was said until the next day. I didn't want to talk to any one or see anyone...I wanted to be left alone.

The following 4 months were a blur. I woke up everyday and cried from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep. Life was not easy for anyone around me. Come to find out , now looking back at everything...it was Gods way of preparing me for the mother I was going to be come just shy of 4 years later.

Today is a sad day for me. I think of my little Joe and wonder what he would look like, what his personallity would be like...he would be starting school...I see my nephew who was born December of 2003 and think of my little Joe.

But as i sit here in my living room, on a day similar to that day, I hear the laughter of my son in the family room...the singing that comes from his mouth is peaceful.

In order to get here today, we had to be there August 23, 2003. I will never forget this day...and every year get a little bit better. Julian and I will be visiting Little Joe today before we go to my parents for the day. I am so thankful for the gift that God has given us...but I do miss my little Joe. If he were here, Julian would be not...so I don't regret a thing...I am just sad.

This too shall pass....

2 years ago...

Today our lives were forever changed! Julian was born at 2:03pm...it was a sunny day, much like this morning...we were so anxious...he was 4 days late and we never thought he would get here. Jeff had taken off of work, we knew that A was in labor, but she had been in labor for 2 days, so we thought Jeff could take off work and we would head down to see her. Well things move from slow to fast and he was born, we got the call just after 4pm. After waiting and waiting, our baby had been born...we were so ready for our lives to change...we sat around all day, I cleaned the upstairs and his bedroom, vacuumed for the 100th time...and at 5pm, I said to Jeff...let's go for dinner and wait for the call...on our way to dinner our attorney called and said get down there...she wants to see you...we drove so fast and furious to get there...I needed to see my baby...and when I saw him, he was like an angel...he was perfect...everything about him was perfect...ten fingers, ten toes...a cute little nose...dimmples...everything...The first time I held him, I think my blood pressure had dropped...all the stress leading up to the birth. If you have adopted you know what I am talking about...if you haven't...the stress is over whelming...It is sometimes unbearable. Everything you have hoped and dreamed for was in someone else's control not yours. But I knew that A was our birth mother and the baby she was carrying was ours.

Summer of 2007 we called "the summer of Julian" everything we did revolved around him...our thoughts, our prayers, every time we went shopping...everywhere we went...we were always thinking about our boy. The picture on top is the first time I held him...he looks so peaceful, so beautiful, like and angel. Well, our angel baby joe, hand picked him along with God...this I know to be true. We suffered a great deal. Most people who adopt have either been pregnant and lost their babies to MC or still born, some have never been pregnant...on August 23, 2004, I delivered baby joe at home, by myself...and man did I suffer...it was the worst thing ever. From that day forward August was the worst month in my life...until August of 2007...Now August for me is so sweet and wonderful...my other August baby lives on with us...forever with us. I think about baby joe all the time...not every day, but alot...what he would have looked like, stuff like that...but now, I look at Julian and think...thank you God for giving me the strength to move forward and open my heart and let love back in. Julian Parker is more then I could ever has asked for...even when he is crying...or throwing a tantrum...like now while I type this...yes he is spoiled...and he will be forever...he is our only child and will remain our only child...we want to give him everything...the best of everything, I am not going to hide the way I feel and how one is enough for us. When you have been through what we have been though...we are thankful for one...one healthy, smart, beautiful child...hand picked by the Lord...made just for us!

We have picked an Early childhood program for him...one of the best in the area...I am not going to put the name on here, but we are very pleased with the director and the curriculum is outstanding...we didn't want him to go somewhere where it is free play...we want him to not only play but learn and thrive. He is very bright and the teacher said that he will be with the 2.5-3 year olds...we are thrilled...he is just so bright...I can't keep him to myself anymore...he needs to be with other children...he is going to love it. First day of school is the 2nd of September...it is only 2 half days. This is a school he will stay in until Kindergarden...we couldn't be happier! So that is what is going on...hugs and blessings!