August 23, 2003...

So this is the day that I always dread. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon...the clouds were white and puffy...the days prior it was so hot...90 almost every day...this day it was finally a cool day...maybe 70 degrees the sun was shining and there was a nice breeze. The day prior to this day, we had just found out that our baby was dieing...his heart beat was fading and there was nothing we could do about it...except pray. And that is what we did. So on that morning, Jeff went to work to start his new position withe the post office and I was waiting for a client to come to the house.

I had never been busier in my mortgage carrier...it was 2003...a lifetime ago. I was in the middle of a miscarriage so I thought...I had been having contractions all night and morning...once my clients left, they really started to come on strong...I decided to lay down, figuring it would pass...I then felt a pop in my belly...like a balloon...then the next thing I knew...I was delivering my son...I was home alone...there was blood everywhere. The next 8 hours would be the worst of my life. I began to hemmerige (sp) It was very scary. Thank god for my parents and a wonderful Dr. that saved me. From that point forward, I knew somewhere in my heart that I would survive this and be a mother one day...I always knew that I would adopt. Jeff came to the hospital and we soon left to go home to a quite and empty house. As we were driving home, I looked at him and said...his name is Joseph. And that was all that was said until the next day. I didn't want to talk to any one or see anyone...I wanted to be left alone.

The following 4 months were a blur. I woke up everyday and cried from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep. Life was not easy for anyone around me. Come to find out , now looking back at everything...it was Gods way of preparing me for the mother I was going to be come just shy of 4 years later.

Today is a sad day for me. I think of my little Joe and wonder what he would look like, what his personallity would be like...he would be starting school...I see my nephew who was born December of 2003 and think of my little Joe.

But as i sit here in my living room, on a day similar to that day, I hear the laughter of my son in the family room...the singing that comes from his mouth is peaceful.

In order to get here today, we had to be there August 23, 2003. I will never forget this day...and every year get a little bit better. Julian and I will be visiting Little Joe today before we go to my parents for the day. I am so thankful for the gift that God has given us...but I do miss my little Joe. If he were here, Julian would be not...so I don't regret a thing...I am just sad.

This too shall pass....